Next weekend

I have contemplated writing about this but I need to get it out. Have my thoughts out so my head is a little bit less jumbled. This post may get long.....

Next weekend we are going camping. But it is camping with a purpose. In October my Grandma (my mom's mom) passed away. It was so devastating and I still don't think I have processed it because well let me go back before I get into all of that.

I found out I was pregnant July 17th. On July 23rd I got a phone call from my Mom telling me that Grandma was sick and they had taken her to the hospital because she was having trouble using the bathroom and her stomach was starting to swell. They thought it was just a blockage and that she would be out within a few days. Well they did a colonoscopy and found a blockage that was too big for that hospital to handle and that it was in fact a tumor. They biopsied it and it came back cancer. My grandmother a 22 year breast cancer survivor now had colon cancer. Within the week we had her transferred to Roswell Cancer Institute which is the most phenomenal place. She was transferred on a Friday so they had to wait until the following Tuesday to do surgery. I went to see her that first Saturday that she was up there and was with Mom on the car ride up I told her I was going to tell Grandma I was pregnant.

I have always been close to my Grandma and it just felt right to tell her even though I was just 6 weeks, my gut said it was OK. I sat down next to her in the hospital and said Grandma I have a secret to tell you and she looked me dead in the eye and said "Your pregnant". I started to cry told her yes and she was beyond excited and promised to keep my secret until we went to the doctors and got the OK to let it out.

Grandma went into surgery and was told it went good she stayed in the hospital for another 10 days. We were told that it was stage 4 colon cancer and that they could not give a time frame but strongly suggested chemo and radiation. My Grandma hates the snow so she insisted on going down to Florida (they have a house down there) for any further treatment. She had to recover from surgery before that could happen and staying with my Aunt that is right around the corner from my house. So I was there at least once a week to see her and talk about the baby. At this point everyone knew and it was fun to share that time with her. She left for Florida in the middle of September. I went to see her the night before she left and I gave her the biggest and longest hug. She told me the baby would be born on her birthday and she was holding that baby first. I went home and cried and prayed that all of that would happen.

My Grandma got down to Florida and started her chemo but only got one treatment and she quickly began to deteriorate. She could not eat anything and ended up back in the hospital by the first week in October. My mom and all her siblings rushed down there and got the worst news. The cancer had spread and was spreading at an unprecedented rate. Caner was in places that it had not been a mere 2 weeks earlier. They gave my Grandma only a week to live. I insisted I go down there to be with her but my mom and uncle did not want me traveling because I had already had a spotting scare. It killed me not to go down there but I listened to my family and ultimately knew it was for the best.

On October 25th I got the worst phone call. I knew when my phone rang and it was my mom that the news was not good. Grandma had gone to heaven to watch over us from above. Here I was pregnant and beyond devastated. I left work and went home to be with my sister and husband. I cried because she would not hold my baby. I would not get to witness that moment and see her love my child. I had been so close to her that I wanted to see her with my baby. It ripped apart my insides and I just felt like I was out of my body. But God has a way to snap us back because that was the first day that I felt my sweet little peanut  move. It was as if my baby was saying to me "it's OK momma, I'm still here".

There are a few things that make me feel better. I got my 20 week growth scan and ultrasound done on the 23rd of October and left there with awesome pictures of the precious gift growing in my body. I quickly took a picture of the picture and sent it to my Aunt who was with my grandma and she was able to see the baby. I also told her that my due date was changed from March 24th to the 17th. Grandma again said that baby will be born on my birthday, and I'm going to hold that baby first.

My son was born on March 19,2013 which is my Grandma's birthday. And I believe with my entire heart that my Grandma was there and she held that baby first. They have a bond now that can never be broken and he has the amazing gift of being born on her birthday. Grayson was a blessing, he took a day that would have been so hard the first birthday without her and made it a day we were overwhelmed with joy and knew that she was there with us. God answered my prayers, not the way I thought he would but he didn't let me down.

Since my Grandma's body was in Florida and her husband was staying down there we were not holding any funeral services which were her wishes. She wanted her ashes buried at her favorite place which was their campsite down in Pike, NY. So that is the long reason why we are going camping this weekend. We are having a memorial service and dinner for my Grandma. I'm hoping to find closure. I'm hoping to find peace. I'm hoping I make her proud with what I have to say about her and that she can still feel our love for her.