The day after

I had my surgery yesterday and it was a tough day.

I felt all the emotions within an hour.

Waiting four days and just willing my body to work on it's own was hard. It felt wrong. It felt foreign. I willed the cramps to come because it meant that it really was a loss. When I felt the first pains on Saturday night I thanked God because it meant it was real. Up until then my irrational side held out hope that it was just wrong. The technician was wrong, the doctor was wrong, the machine was broken.

When we went to register you have to sign a paper giving consent to have the procedure done. It says "I elect to have this procedure" That was my first break down. I kept thinking I'm not electing to do this. If I had my way I wouldn't be here. I would be telling the world that I was expecting my second child.

I was scheduled for 10 but didn't go in until 12. I had to listen to one women say she was thankful for her baby not having a heartbeat because she just had one 7 months ago and my heart lit up with anger. I wasn't happy I was devastated. I wanted this baby so why was this happening to me? Then I got even more mad when the nurse told me I didn't look happy and that I looked nervous.
I'm sorry but no I'm not happy to be here I'm mad. Mad that I feel like my body failed me (I know it didn't), mad that I'm here for this. I should not be here until January when I'm having a c-section.

The other awful part. Every new person that comes to ask you something asks you what your there for. I had to say at least a dozen time D&C. Plus one of the forms that they have to fill out literally says "forced abortion" on the top. It ripped my heart out.

It wasn't until I got back to the holding area for surgery that I felt support from the staff. And I'm not mad at the other nurses they probably just don't know how to handle someone who is losing a baby. The anesthesiologist was the same one who did my spinal for my c-section and he was just as wonderful as I remember. He held my hand told me he was sorry and wiped away my tears as he wheeled me into surgery. My nurse in recovery was amazing. She brought me extra pairs of mesh underwear she told me that I would be back there to have a c-section because she just knew that a second baby was in my future.

And Michael. Oh my word is that man wonderful. He stayed there that whole day with me. We were separated a ton of the time but he was so my rock. He took care of me every step of the way. We had a good cry and prayed like crazy.

This is not easy. However we can't go back. I can't go back to Thursday and give my baby heartbeat. What I can do is work through this with God and pray for peace and that one day He will bless us with another baby.


June 25 2015

June 25,2015 will be a day I will never forget.

It should have been a happy day.

It should have been a day of sharing lots of happy news with our family.

Instead we found out that we lost our baby.

My head and heart are still not matching up on this.

We found out we were pregnant on May 19,2015. It was 2 days before my monthly bill but I just knew I was.

I went a week later to confirm at my doctors and the nurse actually told me she was surprised how fast it turned positive. A good thing to hear when you are pregnant that you have lots of those hormones.

So we waited until our next appointment on June 25th. When we would be exactly 9 weeks pregnant.

We did our welcome interview went over the do's and don'ts and the whole "yay a baby!" thing. Then we went in the exam room after he checked my pulse and listened to my heart he pulled out the Doppler.

Yes the moment I was waiting for. Only it wasn't. He couldn't find the heartbeat at all. So he decided to continue with my exam and check my uterus internally because he could see if it was flipped over or not. Turns out it was and that was most likely why we were not hearing the heart beat on the Doppler because he couldn't get through my uterus. However he said that from the exam my uterus told him I was very much pregnant and he was not worried, and said to schedule a sonogram within the next couple of days.

Only I was worried. So I begged the sonogram technician to squeeze me in I would wait as long as I needed. She got me in within half an hour.

That time in her office was a blur. I knew that when she had to move to an internal sonogram my chances were not good I prayed so hard in that time and then it happened.

She did the side by side of the heartbeat and the baby and there it was the flat line where a heartbeat should be. Tears came instantly before she even said anything. She was in disbelief.

She went and got the doctor who came in and he couldn't believe it either. Even after looking at all the sonogram pictures I measured perfect for 9 weeks. What he said next killed me, "This probably just happened with in the last day"

Now I sit here still pregnant because they like to give your body at least a week to try and do it's own thing. Being pregnant still is the hardest part. I want it over.

I'm not angry at God really I'm not. I know that God has the perfect plan and that if that was supposed to be my baby born in January it would have been. He had a reason and I have to trust that.

I am however devastated and sad that I won't have that little nugget in my arms in 30 weeks. That all the things I thought I would be pregnant for I won't be, that I don't get to share this with my family because most of them didn't even know we were pregnant to begin with.

The unknown is scary. The will this happen to me again. Or will I even be able to get pregnant again. The when will I officially be done with pregnancy? It's all killing me.

I was naive I never thought it would happen to me. I never thought I would experience this type of loss. The worst kind in my book. The loss of a child and knowing there was nothing you could do to stop it.

"Though your sorrow may last for a night, JOY comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:5

Right now I'm just praying for joy. 


Friday Random

Sometimes it's nice to just write about what is going on.

So here it goes.......

I took Grayson to the store with me to grab a gift card. We can into Dollar General the store I have a love/hate relationship with. The isle's are so crowded and there are a million and one things for Grayson to grab. Needless to say he grabbed tic-tacs, a phone charger and certs all within the first 2 seconds of being there. Once I got him wrangled he asked for a "Dora ba-la-loon" (balloon) I agreed since he had gotten a super good report from school that day. And hey it was a dolla so why not. So we get the balloon, the gift card, and the cards I needed for father's day and head to checkout. Where he grabs to candy bars and laughs because he knows it's naughty. Anyway we get cashed out after lots of redirection and head to the car where he does not want to hold my hand in the parking lot because he wants to run! So I grab his arm and the whole time he is yelling "no mommy no touching my arm, mommy stop grabbing me" So I grab his shirt and he hates that even more. So we get to the car and I try to hold his hand while I open the door and what does my kid do? He. lays. down. Like in the parking lot lays down and so I step over him open the door pick him up and put him in the car.

My next stop is the post office and I only had 2 envelopes so I just put them in the drive thru drop off bin and we didn't go in. Well that resulted in the balloon being thrown and a 10 min crying session of him repeating " I wanna go to da post office mommy take me in der mommy puhleeeese" He calmed down when we saw a school bus but lordy be those 20 mins from the time we went into the store until the school bus just about did me in.

Some other random tantrum moments from the toddler in my life include

- crying because I was wearing a zip up hoodie
-crying because he wanted the box of donuts right next to him not in front of him
-crying for a donut even though he had one in his hand
-crying because I took his socks off to get in the bath tub and he wanted to wear them
-crying because he didn't put his bike away in the exact same spot

It has been an interesting few weeks with the temper tantrums coming out but we work through them. I'm trying to practice patience and just walk through it with him.

Michael and I are starting to plot our next date night. Not even to go out just to be able to eat dinner and watch a movie and sleep in. Not sure when it will happen but we are hoping sometime soon.

Our pool is out of control. The wind and rain have gotten it over filled and cloudy again. We have horrible cotton wood trees by our house so now I need to fish all of that our of the pool before we can swim.

I'm so behind on laundry. Like haven't touched it since we came back from our trip to Syracuse. Saturday is operation wash all the clothes and organize closets.

We have family pictures coming up in about a week and a half and I'm hoping to have our outfits finalized soon so that if we need anything I can get it before that day unlike last time where I waited until the day before.

I'm hoping for lots of outside time this weekend with my boy and playing in the sandbox and blowing bubbles.

So excited to celebrate our two dad's as well as the most amazing father Michael this weekend


Our weekend in 'Cuse

This weekend we headed to my husband old stomping grounds as a family for the first time and it was wonderful.

My husband left home and moved to Syracuse (about a 2.5 hour drive from where we grew up) at the young age of 17. He had no job, no place to live he just moved on a whim and stayed there for almost 10 years. 
He always says that Syracuse is where he cut his teeth and grew up. We have been back a few times since we got married but this was our first time going with Grayson and it was wonderful.

Michael got a call about 2 months ago from his boss asking him if he would represent the company in a driving competition out in Syracuse.All expenses paid. After thinking about it we jumped at the chance. They encourage families so tag along and so I roped my Dad into going with us so that when Michael was "working" I would have someone to explore with Grayson and I. 

We left Thursday after I got out of work. We pulled out of our driveway at 4:15. We stopped for dinner about an hour into the trip and that was a riot in and of itself. 

We made it to Syracuse around 7 and checked into our hotel and then loaded our 165464 bags into the hotel. Thankfully they had a crib reserved for our room and we didn't need to bring the pack n play. However we had no fridge. When I looked up the hotel on line it said there were fridges in the rooms. However Michael's company booked the room and we somehow got one without a fridge. When I called the front desk they were of course booked and no fridge room left. My dad's room however had a fridge so we kept everything in his room.

They also charged the almost $500.00 hotel bill to our debit card instead of the company credit card and today I'm still trying to get it sorted out.

We settled in, my Dad headed to his room and then we gave G a bath and called it a night we were all exhausted.

Friday morning Michael had to be at his first round of competition (an interview) at 7:30, so it was just me, dad and Grayson at breakfast. 

We went back to the room to relax for a little bit then headed downtown to the Erie Canal Museum. I was nervous on how Grayson would do walking through a museum but we was awesome and we were there until lunch time.

That is when we headed to Heid's Hot Dog House. This was featured on Man vs. Food and it was soo good. I had been there before but it was my Dad's first time and he loved it. 

We headed back to the hotel for nap. I relaxed watching tv on my phone and even got some shut eye myself. By 4 Michael was done for the day and we got ready for dinner at Kitty Hoynes. This restaurant was featured on Dinners Drive-Ins and Dives. This place is a must see! The atmosphere is crazy cool, our waitress was amazing and the food I still drool just thinking about it. 

We went back to the hotel around 7:30 and it was bath and bed again

The next day was the actual driving part of the competition and so after breakfast we headed to Long Branch Park to meet up with Michael and watch him compete. It was nothing like what I expected but Dad and I both got really into it. 

Michael competed and then we headed back to the hotel for nap time again. Michael made it back about 2 and we all slept. Then we got ready for dinner #1 at Tully's Good Times. This food is amazing. Michael knows the owner and so it's always nice to go back there. 

Then we got back to the hotel and Michael and I had to get ready for the banquet. 
They served dinner but not until 7:45 at night. This girl cannot eat that late so I had a small salad to be polite and split a giant piece of chocolate cake with Michael.

We stayed for most of the banquet but had to get back upstairs to put the nugget to bed.

The next morning Michael and Dad golfed early and then we headed home.

A few things:

1- This was Grayson's first long(ish) road trip and he did awesome in the car. I pulled the iPad out the last hour and all was well

2- He slept surprisingly well for being in the same room as us and in a smaller crib

3- He was so well behaved at the competition I got so many compliments on how well behaved he was!

4-Michael worked Friday and Saturday for about 8 hours each day. Saturday was an early morning with 1st call at 5:30.

5- We just love Syracuse!


My bedside table

We went last week and got iPhone 6's. We had the 4s and so it was time for an upgrade. Plus it had been 3 years since we got new ones. 

So one day after work we headed to the Sprint store and walked out in less than an hour and no money down with new phones.

As with new phones there is a learning curve and getting adjusted period. Somethings have changed and one night I accidentally snapped this picture of my bed side table.

I almost deleted it and then I thought about how this little space says so much about me.

First thing I notice is that sticker. Grayson got it on a trip to Walmart and he kept it on the whole day. Well he woke up the next morning with it still on and he wanted it off right that second so there it went on my side table.

Next would be that nice monitor that hums in my ear all night and lets me know when my boy needs me.

Next up is all the books. 
Total Money Makeover- I refer back to this all the time while we are on our debt free journey
The Happiness Journal- I write in this sometimes but not nearly as much as I should
Not A Fan- This book is amazing and one that I read when I need a good does of faith
My Bible- It's just plain good 
My journals that I write in when I need to get my prayers out 
In this House we giggle- I love this book it is working wonders on my heart as a Mama

Then I see my 2 tubes of chap stick Burt's Bees to be exact because it just works the best overnight. The vanilla bean smells like a cupcake!

The bookmark that is made out of my Papa's obituary that I use to help me read or as a bookmark. I had just finished a book and so it was on my table waiting for a new book to go in. 

A random wrapper from the last time Grayson and I were in there folding laundry and he wanted a zebra cake so I let him eat one and watch Peppa Pig while I did some folding.

A Yankee candle (cranberry chutney smells delish), a random target vase and my lotion that I rotate to use before bed at night and the TV changer which is normally on Michael's side but I must have gone to bed after him so threw it on there.

If I was to see this bed side table and it belonged to someone else I could conclude 3 things

1- There are kids here and they rule the roost they are found in every room and leave little memories everywhere.

2- This person is working with the Lord. 

3- They love things that smell pretty.

It's messy, it's all over the place but man it's mine and I love looking at it and my first thought is Grayson. 

That little boy has stolen my heart and I'm so blessed and thankful that the Lord trusted me with him. 

So there it is a post about nothing but my bedside table and a little peak into my world.



Today is my 28th birthday.

I always sit the eve of my birthday and reflect on where I was 5-7 years ago. 

21 I feel like is really the marker year to look back in think wow look how far I have come.

3 days before I turned 21 my boyfriend and I broke up. I was upset but was not going to let it ruin my birthday.
When I was 21 I was excited to have my first legal drink. I chose to rent a limo and have my family only come with me. I loved this then and even more now because I don't look back and have some ex boyfriend with me. 

We drank way to much, we danced, we laughed, we still have inside jokes from that night and it was a blast.

I remember my wish that night. When I blew the foam off my birthday beer (it's a family tradition to blow out the foam and not the candles we are weird) I wished for my happily ever after. 

I know what I thought that was in my head. 

But the vision in God's head was so much more.

Less than 2 months later I met Michael. Totally random, unexpected and wonderful all at the same time.

Flash forward to 22 and I was engaged living in my new house. 

Now at 28 I'm still madly in love with that man that God placed in my life. We have a gorgeous son who changed our lives and we are living our happily ever after.

21 is my marker to see how far I have come, but it really is a testimate to God and his plan because he knew what he was doing all along.

My wish for this year is that when I look back next year I will still be doing what I'm doing now raising my babies, spending time with family, and growing in God everyday


June Goals

I fell off the goal wagon.

And today I'm hopping back on.

Writing out goals for the month really help me keep moving so here goes nothing

1- PLANT GARDEN BOX- I know it's kind of late to plant however we had a frost so I held off so that I didn't lose all my plants. My plan is to plant it one night this week. It's only 5 plants (3 tomatoes 2 peppers) so it shouldn't take me too long. I already have my herb pots planted and we have been enjoying those!

2- FINISH FRONT PORCH- I put some TLC into our front porch this year. I put a nice bistro table set up there and got a plant stand for our herb pots plus I added a bunch of hanging baskets. It's a nice place to enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning or a night cap. Now I just need to clean it up and put a few last pieces out.

3-TAKE FAMILY PICTURES- This is a freebee. I already have these scheduled for the end of June. My whole family (brother and his family, parents, sister, and grandma) will be participating. This is really for my Grandma. She will be 90 in October and I want a big family picture of us all so we can surprise her for her party.

4-SWIM- Our pool is open now we just need weather to stay warm so we can enjoy it. I know Grayson will love being in the pool and I'm ready to be in it with him

5- TAKE FAMILY TRIP /  EAT SOMEWHERE NEW- This is half a freebee. We have a trip planned to Syracuse for Michael's work. Grayson, my dad and I will be tagging along. However Michael lived in Syracuse for 10 years and so we are going to try a new restaurant in the area that none of us have been to. 

6- BAKE SOMETHING FUN WITH GRAYSON- this boy loves to be in the kitchen. I'm going to find a fun cake or cookie to make with him. I just know I will cherish those moments with him forever

7-DATE NIGHT WITH MICHAEL- We have a few days off together and I'm hoping we can squeeze in a date night. Even if it is one that we stay at home and watch a movie.

Another few things 

Celebrate my birthday
Celebrate my sister's birthday
Celebrate father's day