June 25 2015

June 25,2015 will be a day I will never forget.

It should have been a happy day.

It should have been a day of sharing lots of happy news with our family.

Instead we found out that we lost our baby.

My head and heart are still not matching up on this.

We found out we were pregnant on May 19,2015. It was 2 days before my monthly bill but I just knew I was.

I went a week later to confirm at my doctors and the nurse actually told me she was surprised how fast it turned positive. A good thing to hear when you are pregnant that you have lots of those hormones.

So we waited until our next appointment on June 25th. When we would be exactly 9 weeks pregnant.

We did our welcome interview went over the do's and don'ts and the whole "yay a baby!" thing. Then we went in the exam room after he checked my pulse and listened to my heart he pulled out the Doppler.

Yes the moment I was waiting for. Only it wasn't. He couldn't find the heartbeat at all. So he decided to continue with my exam and check my uterus internally because he could see if it was flipped over or not. Turns out it was and that was most likely why we were not hearing the heart beat on the Doppler because he couldn't get through my uterus. However he said that from the exam my uterus told him I was very much pregnant and he was not worried, and said to schedule a sonogram within the next couple of days.

Only I was worried. So I begged the sonogram technician to squeeze me in I would wait as long as I needed. She got me in within half an hour.

That time in her office was a blur. I knew that when she had to move to an internal sonogram my chances were not good I prayed so hard in that time and then it happened.

She did the side by side of the heartbeat and the baby and there it was the flat line where a heartbeat should be. Tears came instantly before she even said anything. She was in disbelief.

She went and got the doctor who came in and he couldn't believe it either. Even after looking at all the sonogram pictures I measured perfect for 9 weeks. What he said next killed me, "This probably just happened with in the last day"

Now I sit here still pregnant because they like to give your body at least a week to try and do it's own thing. Being pregnant still is the hardest part. I want it over.

I'm not angry at God really I'm not. I know that God has the perfect plan and that if that was supposed to be my baby born in January it would have been. He had a reason and I have to trust that.

I am however devastated and sad that I won't have that little nugget in my arms in 30 weeks. That all the things I thought I would be pregnant for I won't be, that I don't get to share this with my family because most of them didn't even know we were pregnant to begin with.

The unknown is scary. The will this happen to me again. Or will I even be able to get pregnant again. The when will I officially be done with pregnancy? It's all killing me.

I was naive I never thought it would happen to me. I never thought I would experience this type of loss. The worst kind in my book. The loss of a child and knowing there was nothing you could do to stop it.

"Though your sorrow may last for a night, JOY comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:5

Right now I'm just praying for joy.