The day after

I had my surgery yesterday and it was a tough day.

I felt all the emotions within an hour.

Waiting four days and just willing my body to work on it's own was hard. It felt wrong. It felt foreign. I willed the cramps to come because it meant that it really was a loss. When I felt the first pains on Saturday night I thanked God because it meant it was real. Up until then my irrational side held out hope that it was just wrong. The technician was wrong, the doctor was wrong, the machine was broken.

When we went to register you have to sign a paper giving consent to have the procedure done. It says "I elect to have this procedure" That was my first break down. I kept thinking I'm not electing to do this. If I had my way I wouldn't be here. I would be telling the world that I was expecting my second child.

I was scheduled for 10 but didn't go in until 12. I had to listen to one women say she was thankful for her baby not having a heartbeat because she just had one 7 months ago and my heart lit up with anger. I wasn't happy I was devastated. I wanted this baby so why was this happening to me? Then I got even more mad when the nurse told me I didn't look happy and that I looked nervous.
I'm sorry but no I'm not happy to be here I'm mad. Mad that I feel like my body failed me (I know it didn't), mad that I'm here for this. I should not be here until January when I'm having a c-section.

The other awful part. Every new person that comes to ask you something asks you what your there for. I had to say at least a dozen time D&C. Plus one of the forms that they have to fill out literally says "forced abortion" on the top. It ripped my heart out.

It wasn't until I got back to the holding area for surgery that I felt support from the staff. And I'm not mad at the other nurses they probably just don't know how to handle someone who is losing a baby. The anesthesiologist was the same one who did my spinal for my c-section and he was just as wonderful as I remember. He held my hand told me he was sorry and wiped away my tears as he wheeled me into surgery. My nurse in recovery was amazing. She brought me extra pairs of mesh underwear she told me that I would be back there to have a c-section because she just knew that a second baby was in my future.

And Michael. Oh my word is that man wonderful. He stayed there that whole day with me. We were separated a ton of the time but he was so my rock. He took care of me every step of the way. We had a good cry and prayed like crazy.

This is not easy. However we can't go back. I can't go back to Thursday and give my baby heartbeat. What I can do is work through this with God and pray for peace and that one day He will bless us with another baby.