4.28.2015

Working on my heart-Mom Talk Tuesdays

To really understand how I want to share my faith with my little one you have to understand where I have come from.


This is a post about my religion. I'm just sharing my story, my struggle, my life.


Background:

I was raised in church (Methodist to be exact). I was baptized (at 3 weeks old), we went to church every week. When I was 10 I knew that God was my savior and I started my conformation classes to become a member of the church. I stayed going pretty consistently up until I got married. We got married in the church I grew up in and did all of our marriage counseling through that Church. Michael was baptized in that church one month before our wedding, which to make a long story short through our marriage counseling he found out he had never been baptized (his mom told him he was but when asked for the church she said it never had really happened) and it rocked him to his core so he elected to be baptized before getting married. It was so awesome that I got to be there to witness it and that he and Grayson were baptized in the same church! Anyway once we were married I attended here and there and then I had a long gap of not going, well when I went back I was not greeted with open arms more like a "oh nice of you to show up this week" (no really that was said to me) I was humiliated and felt judged and it was very hard for me. I stopped going.


One of the ladies that my Mom works, her husband is a pastor at a Lutheran church so my Mom and I started going there. Then I got pregnant. I felt like I really wanted to raise my baby in my home Church. But I was struggling with being there. I knew I wanted Grayson to get baptized so I went back to the church I grew up in and met with the pastor about baptizing my son. To say that the meeting was hard is an understatement.
She asked me why I was not a regular in her church service on Sunday's. I brushed it off with some mundane answer and moved on. 10 mins later and she asked me again why I had stopped coming to church. I blew so to speak and started crying and saying that I didn't feel welcome and I didn't feel God there anymore because of how I was treated. She was kind and gentle and told me that I had given her the inspiration to do a sermon about judgement. My mom and I went the weeks leading up to Grayson's baptism and then that day it all changed yet again. Once Grayson was baptized a comment was made that "we better not let more time pass or the church would fall down when we walked in" I was devastated. This was very hard on me. I was asked why Michael was never with me when I went to church and plain and simple he works. He works every single Sunday. He works hard to support our family and for that I'm grateful. I stopped going to church all together and struggled with my faith.


I got angry with God because of things that had happened. I stopped talking to him. I just didn't get what he was doing.


Then I stumbled upon a blog. Reading through her posts made me sit back and think. I thought the answer was to do a bible study and sit back by myself and work with God one on one. So I e-mailed Shay and asked her recommendation for a bible study. What she sent me back was not what I wanted to hear. She told me that church was a great foundation and cornerstone for faith. I was not sure what to do. I prayed for months. Then our church got a new pastor. I met her I felt a connection and I made my way back to church.

I cried my first day back. We sang a hymn and I could not control my tears. I felt him working within me. I don't make it every Sunday. But I do go every other for sure. I started reading Not a Fan, and that book is doing wonders on my life right now.

The thing is that God is working on me. I'm not perfect. I lose my temper, I question him, I get upset, I'm not a perfect mom or wife. But He loves me. He is walking with me through everything. I have a hard time trusting everything but we are working on that too. He is such a force moving in my life right now.

I knew once I had Grayson that I wanted him to know the Lord. I had such a strong relationship with him when I was younger and loved my Sunday school classes. Grayson is 2 and he does not fully get Jesus yet. Just this past Sunday  he told me that the pastors husband was Jesus because he was playing a guitar. But he loves going to church his favorite song is Jesus loves me and he says the best Aaaaamen when we are done praying. He goes to a daycare run by a non denominational church and they talk about God everyday. They only play religious music or nursery rhymes and they pray before every meal. I would say that his foundation into faith is strong right now. We are searching for a children's Bible to start reading with him. It's a strange thing to sit back and realize how much you have to teach this tiny person in front of you, but teaching him about God and his love is at the top of our list.

I say I did this because of Grayson but really I did it for me too. I'm blessed that God saw me through my dark times. He led me to Shay's blog that spoke to my heart. He put me at that craft show to meet the new pastor and He put that hymn in my face that day.

I'm not perfect I make mistakes but I am whole because of Him.

And just in case it gets asked,  my husband very much believes in God just as much as I do. He struggles with not being able to go to church with us however he knows that supporting our family is a job that he has to do and so he works on his relationship in his own way. 


linking up with Stephanie