Expanding our family

This is a huge subject in our house right now.

Expanding our family.

I go back and forth honestly.

There are days when Grayson is an angel and everything flows and he eats a good dinner and sleeps well and I'm all this is everything lets get knocked up again.

Then there are other days. He hates being held or eating or having his diaper changed and he fights sleep or gets a bad report at school and I'm all I can't do this again. 
I see the lady at day care drop off with two kids and getting them both out of the car and thinking how in the h e double hockey sticks am I going to do that? Alone?

I loved, loved, loved being pregnant. I was a house but I loved it. I know I will have a c-section again and with a planned c-section comes a little more security and takes out the what if (for the most part). I loved feeling the baby and counting down the days and all the food. 

I'm more confident as a mother I know to trust my gut and go with the flow and that kids are pretty amazing. They thrive on schedules and that moments of sweet baby sleeping on you are fleeting

I know in my heart that I'm meant to have two babies. My husband has always said that he is fine with having just one #onlychild. There are times when we are in the troughs of a melt down and he will look at me and say "I don't know if I can do this again" I probably role my eyes and take over whatever the situation is.

I get it the sleepless nights are hard. The crying and them not being able to tell you what is wrong is so so hard. The feeling that you just need a moment to pee alone wears on a person.

But the newborn snuggles are amazing. The smell of a baby is awesome. Not finding out the gender and hearing your husband say "It's a boy" are some of the best moments ever. Seeing that baby for the first time and knowing that your whole world has changed is beyond words.

I'm ready for that again. But I'm also scared

For Grayson

It would break my heart if he ever felt left out or less loved or second to a new baby. I'm a first born with a younger sister and I don't remember those feelings. Maybe I suppressed them but I honestly don't have  any of those feelings about a new baby coming into the family.

But what if he does. He is my baby, my first born, the reason I am Mama.
I don't want to be so pregnant and not be able to carry him to bed. I don't want to have to spend 3 nights away from him because I'm in the hospital. And oh em gee not being able to pick him up after the c-section will rip my heart apart.
But then I think he is resilient and loves other kids. He will be an awesome big brother, and I can't rob him of that.

For now we sit and wait and pray for the perfect timing. We talk about it probably more than we should. We want to be financially sound and have everything ready for a new baby. We have to be ready to spend even more time apart because with two kids we know it will become more of a divide and conquer thing.

However here is a twist for you. I know that if we cannot have a baby the good ol'fashioned way that I'm content having just Grayson. I know it's weird but I feel in my heart that if I was blessed with a second baby then I would be thrilled and happy but if not then I would also be thrilled and happy.

And by the way 2 is my number. I cannot do 3. We would be out numbered.

These are just my thoughts and our families experience. Everyone is different and that is what makes the world go round.

Linking up with Stephanie