One Month

I debated on hitting publish on this post. I don't want to seem like I'm dwelling on it but it's my reality.

It's one month to the day that we learned that our baby had no heartbeat.

Typing that out is still devastating. It's still hard. It still makes my heart ache so bad.

It's weird being one month out. My body has how do I say this gone back to working order which I'm beyond thankful for. One down one more to go until we can try for another baby.

I'm ready so ready.

Grayson and I were watching a video of him as a newborn, we're talking less than a week old and he was doing some tummy time and I was transported back to the smells, the musy-ness, the snuggles, just all of it.
I had to take a moment for myself after that because really it fells like that will never happen again. And I want it so bad. So so bad.

This whole situation has been trying on me as a person. I hear myself being irrational and nasty sometimes (mostly to my husband) and I just can't stop. The hormones are messing with me big time. Also the hair loss is beyond awful. So much so that I have an almost bald spot on the back of my head. Even my co-workers tell me that they keep finding my hair everywhere, on them, on paperwork, all over the bathroom. I'm the only one with long hair so it's a no brainier that it's mine. This happened after I had Grayson too while thing leveled out and so I guess my body is just doing that again.

It's hard to go through all the "normal" things that happened after a baby but not have a baby. That's a total mind screw that can send you right into a tailspin.

It took me up until last Friday to have my first real drink after the miscarriage. My head knew I could, my heart said it was wrong.

I found a pile of maternity shirts that I had started to get out, just because I knew in a few weeks I would need them only I don't and so packing those away was an emotional breakdown.

I go stretches of the day without thinking about it now but never for long. I try not to discuss it in front of Grayson ever because it can send me to tears in a second and he always says when I cry "hey mommy no kying oh kay?" So I try to avoid it at all costs. He is just sensitive to other people's emotions. My sweet boy.

Prayer will get me through this and so I pray every night for peace and joy.