One, I don't want to screw them up. I mean I'm eight shades of crazy, and I really don't need to pass all of that down to them.
Why did God chose me? I still struggle with that sometimes. Why me? Why do I deserve this privilege? Why me when I fail on the daily?
I find my self questioning God a lot. It's something I'm working on. I have gotten better. After my miscarriage I feel like I yelled and questioned him everyday. Then on April 21st I remember after everyone had left the hospital and it was just Michael and I and the twins and I just sat there with tears running down my face and I look up and said out loud "I get it and thank you".
I was pretty out spoken that I wanted TWO and only TWO children. I didn't want to be out numbered. I didn't have 3 pregnancies in me ( I have rather large children Grayson was 10 pounds 4 ounces), and it was a big conversation to get Michael to agree to a second.
When I got pregnant with my second. I went into full on planning mode. I kid you not I got the positive test and then pulled out my calendar to figure out what the best day would be to have my c-section. I was all backwards.
At 9 weeks I remember going into my appointment and having this nagging feeling on my heart. I was miserable. I couldn't explain it but the JOY was not there. That day when they told me there was no heartbeat. I was devastated, distraught, numb, angry, but expecting it. I felt like I had made it happen to myself with the whole not enjoying the miracle God had graced me with.
I remember praying, and questioning, and praying some more that if he would allow me to get pregnant again and to keep that baby that I would just be so full of JOY. That I would let him lead this time.
Well He showed me in a big big way that He has the answers and that His plan all along was so much better.
So when I sit and stare at these sweet faces that God blessed me with the most overwhelming feeling I feel is love. Love for a God that knows better than me. Love for these children that bring so much JOY and purpose to my life. Love for the life that I'm living day to day, a life that people pray for all the time for years and years and God has blessed me with it. My heart is so full it aches sometimes but in the best way, and while I fail everyday (multiple times) I'm sure I will look back on some of those moments someday and say " I get it and thank you"