June 25th was one year since my miscarriage.
I noticed the date on the calender and my heart instantlly hurt. I went right back to that exam room when he couldn't find a heartbeat with his doppler. I remember begging the ultrasound tech to squeeze me in because I couldn't wait another day to know if there was a heartbeat or not. She told me I would have to wait for her to squeeze me in. We sat in the waiting room, I tried not to cry, Michael had no words just held my hand and stared at the floor.
She called us back, and I climbed up on the table and waited as she squeezed that goo on my stomach, and there was a cloudy picture, she told me I would have to have an internal one. So we go that going and she did the side by side of the baby and the heartbeat and it was a flat line. I felt the tears come and as she opened her mouth I prayed she would stop but then the words came. No heartbeat. My heart has never been so broken in my life. I couldn't figure out why? why me? why now? why did God take this from me? and then I went onto what? What did I do to cause this? Gosh typing this I still cry. I still mourn that loss because it was so profound in my life.
I became a different kind of mother. One that got down on the floor and played more, one that let him eat ice cream at 9 at night, one that snuggled a little bit longer everynight.
You have to wait two cycles before you can try and get pregnant and I remember praying so hard for them to come, so I could try again because I felt like the only way I would truly heal would be to get pregnant again. Which was partly true, getting pregnant again helped me to stop thinking of it everyday but in reality you never truly heal. It tainted my pregnancy with the twins a little bit. I remember walking in to the 9 week sonogram (the same one where we found out about our loss) and being so nervous. I had a weird feeling and I though that mean another miscarriage, turns out it was just my mom gut (and a little bit of morning sickness) letting me know it was TWINS!
And now here we are. I remember on June 25th after I realized the day and felt all those emotions and crying in the shower picking up my sweet twins. How good is God? I mean look where I'm at now. Sure that loss was horrific, but he had something bigger and better planned for us. We got two and in someway's I feel like it was always supposed to be this way. We were meant to be parents to twins and have two boys and a girl. A girl that I never thought I would have. I never thought I would have 3 kids. We had setteled on 2 and God knew that our family was not complete with 2 that we needed 3 and even though he had to walk us through heartbreak to get us there he gave us our 3 beautiful perfect children.
It's so amazing how God's plan is always perfect and in the right time.